A new day dawns ... we've been through more tests. Casey has now had a colonoscopy (something I didn't have to do until I hit 50, despite the fact that my grandfather died of colon cancer ... Casey is just 31). Her colon is clear of further tumors and polyps. She has had a PET scan and her body is also clear of further tumors. Her stitches from her first surgery were removed and she was healing nicely. After consulting with her surgeon and her oncologist, the decision was made to undergo a second surgery to complete the right hemicolectomy so they could collect more lymph nodes to be certain that her lymphatic system was clear. The surgery was January 4th and the pathology report came back informing us that she is, in fact, clear. She has also met with a geneticist and had her blood drawn for testing, as there are 18 colon cancer genes and it is likely that she has at least one of them, given the finding of cancer in her at her age. Each of these genes has different implications so we are now awaiting the results of these tests. She will get her stitches removed in a few days and she will see her oncologist in a week and a half about starting chemo. It is so hard to believe that this is our new normal. Two months ago we were oblivious to my baby having cancer. Now, by the grace of God, we can say she HAD cancer but there are still some serious steps in front of us and some potentially serious implications for Dan and Davy. I can't begin to dwell on that idea for too long ... that one of the genes means that my son and grandson are also in jeopardy and I get to start this all over again. My mother used to say, when I was going through some my earlier trials in life (apropos of the line that God only gives us what we can handle), that she wished God didn't have such a high opinion of me ...  well, I'm feeling that way again, God. I've got all that I can handle, thank you very much!

And my world came crashing down ....

So my first and last attempt to write here was in 2011 ... I've started many journals. I also have one in Day One. I may refer back to that at some point and incorporate some of those thoughts here in the future assuming I am successful in continue this practice this time.  But I decided that I needed a writing outlet again ... right here ... right now ... while my world is spinning out of control and I am helpless to control it.

I am sitting in Casey and and Kevin's living room. I came for a two-week visit for Thanksgiving and arrived on November 16th. Today is December 10th ... Eleven days ago, on the night of November 30th (the day I was supposed to have returned home), after Casey went into the hospital for what we thought was to be a routine appendectomy, we were told they also removed a tumor and part of her colon and small intestine. The subsequent diagnosis was an adenocarcinoma... they have yet to harvest enough lymph nodes (only 6, all negative) to be sure it hasn't spread to the lymphatic system. More surgery is necessary to make that determination. She's a unique case. If they had gone in to remove the tumor in the first place, they would have taken enough of the colon to have ensured they had enough lymph nodes ... but that was not the purpose of the surgery. They are relatively certain the surgery will reveal that the new lymph nodes are also negative but it postpones putting her on chemo .... not desirable. There is no good solution.

Watching my angel suffer ... seeing her as terrified as she is ... being as scared and alone as I am ... having no one to support me, no one's shoulder to lean on, to cry on ... dear God, I hate being a whiner but there are times when being a single parent REALLY sucks beyond all measure.

My daughter has gone out for a few hours to her acting class ... a so much needed escape for her right now.  I'm praying that for these few hours she is able to think of other things and enjoy the company of those people that she has come to know over the last year and has benefited so much from. I sit here looking for a similar escape ... and so I write to you. You, of course, won't be writing back. You don't even know I exist. But just the act of putting this down ... of feeling that I am conversing with someone is cathartic in its own way. I've tried to do it with the Yorkies ... They're very good at licking away the stray tears (I can't let too many fall ... can't let the dam break ... I won't be able to plug it again). So, thanks for listening.

I'm a Survivor

There was a time that those words made me cringe ... who wants to have their life described in that way ... that they have to have survived it??? But really that's the only way to describe the trials and tribulations that have come my way over the last six decades. Well, ok ... if I'm going to be honest, it hasn't all been trials and tribulations. There have been times when I have lived a perfectly normal life and thank God for that because, as my Mom used to say, she wished that God didn't have such a high opinion of me during those other times. But what those times did teach me (and those around me ... my family and friends) is something about my strength ... and I think it came as somewhat of a shock to all of us.

So, that's what this blog is about ... at least in part. I've had so many people tell me that I should write it all down, that it would make a great novel. I always said it would make a great 'bad B movie' ... but that it was too unbelievable for anyone to want to read about or to watch. However, this blog won't be limited to that ... I just think that it would be much too boring to limit my writing to those reminiscences. So, the reader will also be regaled with my musings about current matters. We'll see where it all goes and whether, in fact, there are any readers or whether I end up writing this for my own amusement and self-indulgence which will provide me great satisfaction in and of itself.